I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
