My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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