I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
