It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
