I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think your dad took our porno
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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