I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize