i will never coherently bang her
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
