Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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