I just threw up on my dentist
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
