so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
