OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
