What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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