im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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