when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I need a burrito and a hug.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I FOUND THE LEGS
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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