You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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