i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
