End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize