Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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