Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
