I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
