U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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