I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
