Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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