someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
