Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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