Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
