Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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