Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
