Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
