Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize