I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
