I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
