I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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