my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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