I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
