i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
