First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
