he looks like a really good dad on facebook
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
