and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
