just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
