worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
