my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
