Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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