there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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