sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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