wanna go halves on a baby?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
