If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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