My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
