A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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