I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
