My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
