It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
