and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
