it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
