It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
