I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
