he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
