Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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