im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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