based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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