i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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