If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
