Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
